loneliness conquering my heart
have you ever feel so lonely and empty especially when you are home alone? it's like having an empty space in your heart and there is nothing much you can do simply because you don't even know the cause for it. i know i've experienced it especially during the night. the feeling sucks so much that i feel like going to bed early but don't want to wake up the next morning. even if i do wake up the very next day, i don't have the mood to do anything including shopping.
i'm like a zombie lurking around the shopping mall. feeling so lazy to even speak a word to anyone. can't even laugh at my sis' jokes. sometimes i even have my sis repeating her words few times before my brain can register what she wants t tell me. obviously when that happens, i always get weird stares because she thinks it's so unlike me. the concerned look on her face asking me to tell her what is actually boring is of no help as i don't even know it myself.
i've been searching for the answer for quite some time now but to no avail. perhaps it may be due to some unresolved problems which my brain try to push it away and store it a banished land in my head. the available capacity is limited now so the problems emerge to the surface for me to solve. yeah, i know i don't really make sense here but that's how i try to convince myself that everything is going to be fine. being in denial, although i always deny of doing just that, doesn't help much. i just hate to face the problems for i don't know how to deal with it.
why is it so difficult for one to understand what i want? i don't want anyone to tell me that i'm hurting them since that day. it really tears me apart having to play his voice in my head over and over again when i realise that i'm bout to hurt others. i've learnt not to tell anyone bluntly that i refuse to go out or chat with him/her because i feel the burden of having to be tied down and just accompany him/her. i don't want to tell lies either. i assume that my actions are quite clear that i need time for myself. i can hardly get time to indulge and pamper myself these days. all i need is a peaceful day where i can go out with people who can cheer me up instead of bringing sadness or annoyance to my life. is it that difficult? tell me, what have i done to deserve this mind torture? teach me the way to achieve solacement. i really need it. ok, shopping therapy begin to take effect last week which is a good news. at least i'm not that depress anymore.Labels: lil chatty chat
♥ kyliemc ♥
9 glass dollie(s)
